madness and monkeybars

so i really suck at this waiting game.
like really bad.

and i hate the feeling of knowing that what stands between me and something i want so much is a decision to that is out of my hands. I guess ive been a bit spoiled to this point by feeling like im actually able to control my own destiny.

a lot of luck and some fierce determination (which i'm pretty sure is genetic) has gotten me in and out of pretty incredible situations. i've always felt like if i wanted something i could make it happen. because when i really wanted it, i would see it and everything else would fall away, everything else would get quiet. eyes on the prize style.

and im really good at holding on. you know those contests in elementary school when your friends would hang from the monkey bars and the last to drop to the sand, the one who could stand the burning of their shoulders pulling out of their body, would win? i was good at that game.

but now, sitting on my hands here i feel helpless. ugh. i hate being helpless. I check my email, pace around the house, feel like puking, all very pretty... and i feel like im losing my sanity. or the small amount i had to begin with. but it will be over soon. somehow i run my mind into total exhaustion spinning through 'what if' scenarios and fall asleep and then its morning and im one day closer to finding out. im most scared that it will be bad news, that this great 'what if' that i now want more than anything else wont be mine at the end of it all.

of course something else will come along if it isnt going to be mine... something else always does. but darn it if i could only bring this other girl out to the playground and challenge her to the monkey bar contest. i could kick some real butt then.

remind me why we dont do that in grown-up world again?